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Dear Agony Aunt

For some unknown reason my girlfriend seems to be all over me like a rash when we are together. I mean, if I was the Fonz it would explain things, but I am more like Mr Cunningham. I'm just wondering what it is that may be exciting her, as it is kinda disturbing how she handles the meat goods in front of my parents...
Stumped

Dear Stumped,
This may surprise you, but some of we women actually prefer Mr Cunningham. It's a bit like how women in glasses are unaccountably sexy. but I digress. I can see your point that this behaviour might not be quite appropriate in front of the folks. If you'd like to keep her a little more at arm's length, perhaps you should just stop wearing deodorant whenever you're going to visit them.
AA


Dear aunt agony,
Quick question about penis measuring... what are the stipulations?- ie. Do you measure the length from the topside or the bottom side or the actual side/s to the sacred sack? And circumference- should the measurement cut the circulation off or just rest nice and firm?
Mr Ed


Dear Mr Ed,
In my experience, most men simply measure their penises from the point that will give them the highest centimetre result. Although, measuring from inside the ankle up, might be taking things a little too far. But besides, I've never really known what the point of measuring it is- it's not like you need to supply this kind of information on a resume or driver's license application. And honestly, all that time fiddling about with a tape measure could definitely be put to better use..
AA.


Dear Agony Aunt,
I want to have a threesome with my boyfriend & another girl, but my boyfriend doesn’t want to, he thinks he may pay more attention to the other girl & that I might get jealous, Can you give me any tips as to how I can convince him that this wont happen.
Sexuall Xploration

Dear Miss X,
The only way to convince him is to reassure him that you will be too interested yourself in the other participant to ever consider being jealous. To this end, you should start wolf-whistling at girls in the street, buying Playboy and saying ‘Whoar’ very loudly whenever Sandra Sully comes on to read the news. He’ll soon start believing that you’ll feel anything but left out should three eventually become a crowd.
AA



Dear aunt agony,
My ex-girlfriend used her vibrator on me and I really enjoyed it, I enjoyed it so much I am considering buying my own. Does this mean I have homosexual tendencies? Also, how would I "suggest" to any new girls I meet my newfound fetish?
Worried & Concerned

Dear W & C,
I always did find it a little bit unfair that us girls get to have all the fun when it comes to buzzing comrades of the electronic kind. And just to recap, if you are lusting after men, you are possibly homosexual, but not if you are simply lusting after a moulded bit of plastic and a couple of AA batteries. If you want one, go ahead and buy one- just cover it in an Ansell condom first if you're planning on sharing it with a partner- could be a bit icky otherwise.
AA.


Dear Aunt Agony,
I can't control myself. I keep trying on my mum's g-string!!!!!! How can I stop?
Mummy's Boy

Dear Mummy's Boy,
If you have ever seen how unattractive a bloke's bits look wedged into a tiny g-string, you would cure your fascination once and for all. I suggest you go and try them on again, but this time take a camera.
AA.
Dear Agony Aunt,
I don’t have an orgasm when having sex with my boyfriend unless he is playing with my clit and I’m too scared to tell him. What should I do?
Unable

Dear Unable,
The most useful skill you’ll ever develop in the bedroom is learning to speak up! There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend what turns you on, and if you add in a ‘big boy’ at the end of the sentence, he’ll probably even find it a huge turn-on. However, if the poor poppet is a little hard of hearing, and this doesn’t work, you could always help yourself out - use a bit of Ansell Excite! pleasure balm down there, and you should be well on your way, sans boyfriend.
AA.
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