An old drunk walks in...
3 young blokes having a beer in a pub...an old drunk walks in...walks up to one of the young guys and says...your mum is the best lay in town....the young guy starts to stand up...then changes his mind and goes back to drinking..the old bloke ...walks off...10 minutes later the old bloke is back again...points to the same young guy and says.....your mother has the tightest p***y in this town....young bloke starts to get up.....then he sits back down and the old bloke walks off.....10 minutes later the old bloke is back and staggering....he says....to the same young guy....your mother loves it up the a** and is the hottest root for miles....the same bloke gets up and is really annoyed...and says...for gods sake dad....go home.
Kevin WA

Up in the air
A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system. ''As soon as I clock off'' he said, ''I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then screw the a** off that blonde flight attendant.'' The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle. A little old lady sitting there whispered, ''There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first.''
Jean VIC

Sperm count
A 75 year old man went to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day he brings back the empty jar & explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried, with nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
Blair AUCKLAND

The blond club
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do. The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot. The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.". The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway. The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
Rochelle NSW

The chicken and the egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".
Kristof NSW

The costume party
A couple goto a costume party, both completely naked, with the exception of a potato on the man's penis and a lemon half-in the woman's vagina. Upon arrival all the other guests were completely stunned until explained to that the wife is dressed as a 'Sourpuss' and her husband is a 'Dic-tator'.
Griphin VIC

The dairy farmer
A farmer buys a brand new milking machine, He opens the box, discards the instructions,then out of curiosity places the milker on his penis. After a few short moments he has an amazing orgasm. Breathless he recovers and attempts to remove the machine from his dick only to find that it was stuck. Frantically he resorts to reading the instruction manual. He faints. Manual reads "Auto Release after 2 litres"
Bettina NSW

Boarding Call
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.
Mike QLD

The Newlyweds
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Melani VIC

The Substitute
A guy says, "I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women." "Yeah what happened?" asked his friend. The first guy replies, "Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle."
Brett WA

The Hole in One
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
Robert VIC

The Bus Ride
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you. The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD" I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"
Sarah NSW

Not tonight honey..
A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water." She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" He replied, "Thank God!"
Meredith QLD

Mirror mirror
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day fresh out of the shower, she was yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day get a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a peice of toilet paper, standing in front of the mirror and rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "Oh, they'll grow larger over a period of years." he replied. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs, "It worked for your ass didn't it?"
Kylie QLD

Happy Anniversary
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to f**ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?" He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."
Tom QLD

Birdie
A man told his fiance that he was a golfer through and through..every sat,sunday and all public holidays he would be on the golf course. His fiance said ok, fair enough. I have something to tell you. I am a hooker. He said no problem..stand upright, use an over hand grip and keep your on eye on the ball. That should get rid of it.
George NSW

Driver
A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants the bartender says "mate isnt that uncomfortable" "yeah its driving me nuts" and a man walks into a bar wearing clear plastic wrap for underware...the bartender goes "i can clearly see your nuts"
Melissa NSW

Size up
A man walks into the chemist and walks up to the girl at the counter. He looks embarassed and asks "I don't know what size of condom to get?" She smiles and says "no problem" puts her hand on his crotch and then speaks into the microphone "pack of medium condoms to the front counter please". The man gets his condoms and leaves happy. Another bloke sees this and tries the same thing. The girl gives him a feel and says into the microphone "pack of large condoms to the front counter please". The second man gets his condoms and swaggers out impressed with himself. A 16 year old boy had been watching all this and thought well why not, so he goes and asks the girl too. Again she copps a feel and grabs the microphone... "Mop and bucket to the front counter please"
Melanie NSW

No Cure
A man walks out of a car totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman. she takes one look at him and says "you sir are drunk!" and the man replies "you mam are ugly, but when i wake up i'll be sober!"
Erin VIC

Intensive Care
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decided to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she let out a sigh. The man ran out and told the doctor who said that was a good sign and suggested he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The husband went in and rubbed her right breast. This produced a moan from his wife. He rushed out and told the doctor. The doctor said this was amazing and a real breakthrough. The doctor then suggested the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he would wait outside as it is a personal act and he didn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in, then came out about five minutes later, white as a sheet. He told the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asked what happen to which the man replied, "She choked."
Ying NSW

Health Kick
A man's reading the paper and sees a weight loss ad that's guaranteed and thinks whats he got to lose so he rings the number. A week later a hot chick turns up at his door wearing only joggers and says, " if u catch me, u can have me and runs off". after 20 mins he catches her, and has mad passionate sex.having lost 5 Kgs he goes home happy. A week goes by and an even hotter woman turns up, naked except joggers and says " if u catch me, I'm yours" after an hour of sprinting he catches her and has his way with her. again he's a happy man having lost 10 more kilos. another week later Tara Reid turns up at his door wearing only runners an says "if u catch me, I'm yours", and sprints off. after 2 hours he catches her and bones her. having lost 15kg he can't wait till his next weight loss session. a week later his door bell rings, and a naked man is standing there and says "if i catch you, your mine"
Cameron NSW

Rich and Poor
A rich and poor bloke go shopping fo there wives xmas present.... The poor bloke askes the rich bloke:what you buying yours for xmas The rich bloke replies: im buying her a porsche and a mink coat if she dont like the coat i can give her a porshe The rich man asks:what you buying your misses Poor man replies: a pair of slippers and a dildo,so if she dont like the slippers she can go f**ck herself.
Katie WA